The line snaked through the coffee shop, moving
slowly as one complicated drink after another was
ordered. Standing there like a bunch of lemmings,
waiting eagerly for our caffeine fix, the woman in
front of me and I began chatting. We talked about the long
line, the totally high-maintenance drink orders and the heat
from all of the bodies crammed into one small space. We kept
the conversation going until her drink came up, and she left
with a quick “Enjoy your day.” My line-buddy was gone, and
the conversation was over. The small talk had served its purpose
of entertaining us and connecting two strangers while
we were held captive with nothing better to do.
Audrey Nelson, Ph.D., a communication consultant and
speaker, defines small talk as “a conversation ordinarily
enacted between two people who have never met or don’t
know each other well.” She says it is the most difficult kind of
communication because it requires skill, and some people
are simply better at it than others.
As with so many other areas of life, men and women
approach small talk differently. For women, small talk provides
social maintenance. It bonds, connects and increases the level
of comfort between people. Men often complain to Nelson that
it drives them nuts when they attend meetings with women
who make a lot of small talk before the meeting can get underway.
Neither the observation nor the level of annoyance surprises
Nelson. “Men are task-oriented, so their small talk is the
same way. They don’t buy the value of it. But it’s the way all
conversations should be done,” she says. “Small talk eases the
comfort level so they can get down to business.”
According to Nelson, there are rules for small talk that
should be carefully followed. “First, small talk shouldn’t
exceed more than 15 or 20 minutes; otherwise, it becomes
boring and tedious,” she says. Exit the situation in a tactful
way, such as “Well, have a great time. I see someone I need
to say hi to.” Second, be aware of which topics are acceptable
and which should be avoided. Nelson’s list of acceptable
topics includes the immediate environment (“That buffet
looks amazing!”), the weather (“I’ll be glad when this cold
snap is over”), work (“So what do you do?”) and sports (“Did
you see the game last night?”). Nelson says to avoid topics
that are potentially too personal, such as sex, religion, weight
and cultural values.
Joanne Davidson prides herself on being able to “make
conversation with a brick wall.” As The Denver Post society
editor since 1985, she frequently engages in small talk when
she covers the charity fund-raising scene in the metro area.
She finds that even if individuals to whom she’s talking are
reluctant to jump in and talk back, they usually come around
if she shows she’s genuinely interested in what they have to
say. “You do that by establishing eye contact and actually listening
to what is being said so you can respond in kind,” she
suggests. “As the other person becomes more comfortable
with you, the conversation becomes more substantive.”
Davidson finds that people who are bad at small talk are
usually so caught up in themselves that they really don't care
about others. “They're the ones who make judgments before
even speaking to the person they can't be bothered getting to
know,” she says. “They don't give others a chance to show
who they are and how interesting they actually might be.”
Still others say they just find small talk superficial and don’t
want to engage in it.
Some people avoid small talk out of fear of saying something
they shouldn’t. Davidson says people worry that if they
ask someone a question as simple as “Do you have children?”
they might learn the person is unable to have kids, or
perhaps lost one to an accident or illness.
“To me, small talk is an entree to a friendship, a business
connection or someone who can be a valuable resource,”
Davidson says. “It's something as simple as asking a person's
name, what brought them to the gathering, or giving a compliment
like ‘I love your hair. Who cuts it?’ or ‘That is a gorgeous
dress. Who’s it by?’ One question or tidbit of information leads
to something else, most always good,” she says. “Most of what
I've learned in life has begun with small talk.”
Nancy Rebek, owner of Nancy Rebek Public Relations, is in
the business of talk — talking up a person, product or business.
She also produces speakers’ series, which means she’s
had to make a lot of small talk during long car or plane rides
with some famous people. Rebek says that small talk gets a
bad rep, but it’s really an avenue to find a common ground.
She elaborates, “Sometimes small talk is a necessary evil. It
can be an initial conversation between strangers, acquaintances
or even great friends. It’s a simple exchange of
niceties before a more meaningful, more involved chat.”
Rebek feels using small talk to promote oneself, a cause or
business can be tricky. “Even when asked by the other party, it’s
wise to assume they are just being polite or filling a void, killing
time,” she says. “If they ask (about your business) and there is
sincere interest, then it’s best to exchange business cards and
make plans for a future meeting. Having said that, there are
instances where it is appropriate — but it’s best to use common
sense and not be pushy with one’s own agenda.”
According to Nelson, we shouldn’t feel guilty about using
small talk for personal gain. “All communication is persuasive
and manipulative — everyone has an agenda, whether
they acknowledge it or not,” she says. “On a very basic level,
we make connections for affirmation; small talk provides an
opportunity to let someone know in what way they are
important to you.”
Since small talk — whatever the purpose — does require
some skill, Nelson advises doing it whenever possible to
become good at it: “Make small talk with anyone you
encounter — starting with the places you go frequently, such
as the people who work at your grocery store, dry cleaner or
car wash. Small talk begins a relationship and can be the start
of a deeper connection if you want it to.”
Effective small talk also requires the skill of thinking on your
feet. Someone who knows a lot about that is Linda Klein, an
improvisational comedian with A.C.E. Entertainment and cocreator
of GIRLS ONLY — The Secret Comedy of Women. In
her job, she has to respond to varying, unrehearsed situations
and be willing to say whatever comes to mind. If she’s
done that well, the audience laughs and the joke doesn’t fall
flat. She offers these words of wisdom: "Thinking on your
feet reminds me of teaching a child to ride a bike. You have
to encourage your thoughts to flow and resist the urge to
hang on to them."
Whether to cope with an awkward silence, further a career
or just be friendly, small talk serves many important purposes
even though it seems like a trivial thing. As Nancy Rebek
puts it, small talk is an easy way to “connect with another
human in an increasingly isolated world.”
